~ If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
~ Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
~ The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
~ Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
22-6-2011 Ronald Reagan
click for one of his jokes
15-6-2011 The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
8-6-2011 The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
1-6-2011 Gassing Up with Obama
Click for a 2 minute video
25-5-2011 Scientific Conversions
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
18-5-2011 Holy Humor
There was a very sweet old lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" the postal clerk asked.
The old lady looked confused for a moment and answered, "The Ten Commandments?"
11-5-2011 If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
27-4-2011 5 Riddles
THIS SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMERS FOR YEARS....
RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING...ENJOY...
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.. Which room is safest for him?
20-4-2011 The Easter Bunny
A sensitive animal lover driving down the highway strikes a rabbit. The driver pulls over and discovers a basket of eggs and candy scattered all around. Several yards away lies the crumpled body of a large rabbit clad in a blue pastel waistcoat. The man weeps.
13-4-2011 Two Birds, One Stone
Libya wants a new Muslim leader. I say give them ours.
Solves 2 problems.
23-3-2011 Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
16-3-2011 WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
9-3-2011 Trooper Wisecracks
Comments made by state troopers taken from car videos:
9-2-2011 Printing money out of thin air. Click Here for a 3min 45 sec video.
26-1-2011 Some popular wisdom to start the year with….
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify:” I put "DOCTOR".
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said, "Implants?"
19-1-2011 Some popular wisdom to start the year with….
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15-12-2010 WIKILEAKS
8-12-2010 WIKILEAKS
1-12-2010 My son was born to be a politician.
When the doctor spanked him he said, "No comment."
24-11-2010 Solution for Airport Scanners
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
10-11-2010 Dave Says . . . .
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
3-11-2010 Dave Says . . . .
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
27-10-2010 David Says . . . .
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
20-10-2010 David Says . . . .
The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Here is a guide to the point system:
13-10-2010 David Says . . . .
Humor
